I always believed that if we opened our minds, we can find inspiration anywhere.  I had the pleasure of meeting a very inspirational person who has so much to offer.  Never mind the fact she is a drug addicted street walker.  Now, how the heck can I say a drug addicted street walker can inspire me?  Open my mind?  Get me to look within myself?   What does a junkie or prostitute have to offer? 

When you open your mind and shut out your preconceived notions, judgments, media nonsense and just see these humans as just that, humans. You can lean so much about them and even more about yourself. 

I was blessed with the opportunity to meet Rayne. (I changed her name to protect her)  She is a thin black woman with long, poufy hair, glasses and doesn't look at all like a drug addict.  She is articulate, honest, intelligent and has a huge monkey on her back.  She has engaged in street walking to support her demons.  Rayne, in all her honesty and openness, made a statement that got my wheels spinning.  As she was talking about her stints in rehab and her dealings with others who tried to help her and who have enabled her, she said, "I want to be a successful junkie."  This is profound.  Knowing that she is a junkie and there is no such thing as a successful junkie, she still longed to be one.  She has a side of her that wants to get clean, she wants to support other junkies in getting clean. She longs to have a normal life.  She seems to always be looking for ways to be successful in life and still be a junkie. 

Our lives are the result of our choices.  Sometimes those choices are hard to make and even harder to take action on.  Rayne knows her life would be a lot better if she could get sober but she likes to be high.  She needs to get high.  She's addicted.  When we want to lose weight, we don't like to give up junk food.  We try to find ways to convince ourselves that we can still eat the junk food.  We find excuses.  We want to eat the junk food and still be successful.  It doesn't work.

We do the same with our finances.  Many of us are in debt because we didn't want to change our lifestyles, make financial changes when their necessary.  We want to be as successful maintain our lifestyle when our income shrinks.  It doesn't work. 

Rayne isn't that much different from the rest of us.  She desires to be loved, respected, have a nice life, be successful, secure and happy.  Just because her demons are different than mine doesn't make me better than her.  It doesn't make her value as a human being any lower.  She is a person of quality that is suffering, struggling, hurting.  To judge her would be to judge myself, my struggles and demons don't have to be with drugs.  The bottom line is we all have our demons and struggles.  Besides judging the demons and struggles of others, we should have compassion and support each other. 

By the grace of Mother and Father Gods go I...

The American Dream

What happen to our society?  My interpretation of the American Dream was to have the opportunity to work hard enough to have a comfortable life with privileges and rights that we have worked fought long and hard for.  We can learn a trade, get a degree or work in the family business.  We can have 2 parent households with one parent working and making enough money to support the family while the other ones does the very important job or raising the kids.  The American Dream is about opportunity, learning, family values, success and failures, strong work ethic, pride in our country and who we are.

Today, I see the American Dream dwindling away and Americans themselves are allowing it to happen.  The younger generations seem to have less and less people that want to work, they feel they are entitled.  I even see people my age milking the unemployment and the welfare system, living with their elderly parents or other family members that will take care of them and seem perfectly happy with it.  Grandparents are raising grand kids more and more.  The last I looked, 40% of Americans are on public assistance.  We simply can't survive as a country like this. 

Our President seems to like this situation.  Cutting tax breaks for the rich (which the majority of us work for), forcing small businesses with 50 or more people to buy health insurance (Obama care makes me ashamed of every person who allowed it to pass and even more sicken by our ignorant President), raising taxes and not taking responbility for it,  trying to fix his mess with more handouts, I can go on for a long while what this waste of sperm has done to hurt the American people and squash the American Dream. 

We need education, job opportunities and to stop sending our industry over seas.  That's what built this country.  If we don't produce goods and if lazy people don't get off their asses and stop living off the government, we are going to continue on this downward spiral.  We can't survive on technology and service jobs alone.

As parents and elders, we need to get the youth off their butts and working, focusing on their future and make sure they have every educational opportunity we can give them.  We need to make people earn their government assistance while actively looking for a job or getting an education.  Stop spending money on handouts with nothing back from them.  No one is entitled to live for free, everyone should contribute either at a job or while getting assistance.  Life isn't meant to be easy.  NO ONE owes ANYONE anything.  If we don't get every one's butt back to work that is able to work, we will never survive.

We need to get serious about what's important and stop worrying about who is sleeping with who or what people do on their own time.  We need to pay attention when our President allows Americans to die then distract it because someone has a mistress...who really cares?  What's more important, our well being and survival as a country or who a military leader is fucking?  The very word Hooker comes from General Hooker who would bring his ladies to entertain troops.  This has been going on all through history and we have been to win wars and do a hell of a lot better than we're doing now.  As long as the job is done, who cares where he puts his pee pee at night??


That's my rant.  Agree or disagree, it's how I feel. 

 

 

 



Happy Spring!!

Although I love the change of seasons, spring is my favorite one.  I love the smells, fresh air, a clean garage, festivals, bands, running, birds singing, new plants spouting and the good mood it puts me in.  For me, big things come with the new seasons, all good stuff.

The most exciting thing happening this spring is my children's graduation parties.  My son finished high school a semester early and will be staring college in the fall.  My daughter is finishing 8th grade and moving on to high school next school year.  We're having a huge graduation for the both of them, our family and friends are very proud of both of them :)  As their mom, I'm ecstatic!!

Spring also means yard work which I love but I'm not very good at.  I have lots of veggies to plant in my garden.  I'm huge canning and dehydrating so we have organic food all year long.  Freshly picked food is so yummy, it tastes so much better than store bought veggies.  I'm doubling the size of my garden, it's going to be a lot of work that I love doing.

Something new to me this year is getting my motorcycle license.  I have been wanting to do this for a long time, I'm finally getting it done.  I'm hoping to by a Harley this summer.  I have a been around bikes all my life, now it's time I had my own.  There's nothing like riding, I love it.  I've always been on the back of a bike, now it's my turn to be on my own.

This spring is going to be a blast, I hope everyone has a wonderful spring!!

Kudos to Mom!!!

I went down south to visit the family for Easter and had a wonderful time.  While there, I had a friendly debate about religion with my mom's husband, who happens to be a great guy. During this debate, my  mother reminded me of a decision she made when I was a child.  This decision helped me to have the freedom to grow into the authentic me.  My family is primarily Southern Baptist.  My mother never crammed the religion down my throat.  She made sure we knew the basics of our family's religion however, didn't force us to go to church, tell us what we should believe or which book to follow.  As a child, I had friends of different religions and I was allowed to go to various churches and experience different beliefs and ways to celebrate beliefs.

The most respectful decision my mom made was not allowing us to get baptized.  She felt that children weren't mature enough to make the decision to be baptized for themselves.  Being baptized is a personal decision each person should make for themselves, no one parents should make for a child.  It's disrespectful for anyone to force children, or any human being, to do this. 

I'm still not baptized today and I never will be.  It means nothing to me.  I'm going to heaven because I'm a good person, do good by others and live the best life I can.  I have a strong relationship with the Mother and Father Gods.  I'm very spiritually healthy, happy and strong.  I have grown to be Buddhist and have become educated enough to know that the Bible is too manipulated for me to put faith in.  I'm not saying anyone should believe as I do, that's a personal choice for each person.  I was given the upbringing to be secure and strong enough to make my own decisions and become the person I am.

Thank you Mom, you really knew what you were doing!!

I didn't like what I saw...

I have no shame in the fact that I'm 10 months away from turning 40, I embrace and appreciate my age.  I love that I'm a healthy person, I have no health problems.  On Feb. 12, I shot two scenes with Naughty America.  I had a great time on set and of course I had a great time shooting.  After shooting a scene with Sonny Hicks, a very sweet and sexy performer from Las Vegas, we watched the intro.  We did a really cute intro and were very happy about the results.  I thought it was cute however, the camera shot me from behind while working and I didn't think that was so cute.  OMG!!!  I really need to tone up.  Because I feel healthy and energetic, I work out regularly and eat pretty healthy, I haven't really paid attention to my looks.  I've always been curvy and short and I simply don't have the genetic makeup to be super tiny without drug abuse or an eating disorder.  I have learned to love my curves, there's nothing wrong with hips, butt and boobs.

Now that I see my normal workout routine and diet aren't sufficient, I've decided to step it up.  I'm starting the Insanity Workout as soon as it gets to my house.  I'm also making some changes to my diet.  My goals are to tone up.  I'm not concerned about my weight or the size clothes I wear.  I want to tone up a bit and challenge myself physically. 

I don't believe in taking diet pills, drugs or starving myself.  I'm doing this the what believe is the right way, with diet and exercise.

Wish me luck!!  The next time I shoot it will be with less fat and more muscle :)

Wish me luck!!

Safe Sex

Safe sex is something we all need to be educated about from the time we are old enough to have sex.  Sex is a normal, biological act however, humans like to make it a dirty, bad, negative thing.  If you throw religion or politics in the mix, you have a big, confusing mess that greatly misinforms and can be potentially dangerous to the health and well being of humans.  Sex is a survival mechanism, the Limbic  System, which regulate our feelings, including love and lust, emotions, impulses and drives among countless others, can't possible by regulated, judged or changed by politicians or religious people.  God gave us this system along with hormones such as dopamine, a feel good hormone and oxytocin, the cuddle hormone.  He didn't make us biologically made for sex just to tell us not to have it or have laws regulation it.

That being said, I'm writing this from the view point of a parent, sex worker and supporter of sex education and safe sex.  I believe that we as a society has got to get a better grip and safe sex and educating our youth and even adults in our society.  With the way things are going, we are going to be less and less able to afford STD's and HIV treatment, teen pregnancies and more people on welfare due to unexpected children.  Religious leaders have got to stop quilting people into think sex is bad or goes against God.  I believe it doesn't.  What we have been doing isn't working, we still have issues that go along with unsafe sex or lack of sex education.

As a parent, I want my kids to be educated about EVERYTHING in this world, the good and the bad.  Of course, it's very important to keep things age friendly.  As far as sex goes, I feel that if I don't make sure my children are educated, someone else will and it could be in a bad way.  It's my job to protect my children and raise them to be responsible, productive, healthy and happy adults.  If I took the advice of the Pope (no disrespect to him), I would be teaching my children not to use condoms when they decide to have sex.  Kids are going to experiment with sex in one way or another.  I certainly don't teach my kids to go into the world and get naked with every person they see.  I teach them about their bodies, respecting themselves and others and when they feel their ready, to be safe.  When my son had his first girlfriend, he came to me and told me he wanted to have sex with her and asked me for condoms.  Being the protective Mama Bear I am, I gave him at least 30 condoms and told him to let me know if he needed more.  The look on his face was priceless.  I patted myself on the back a little...I try to keep open communication with my children and I feel, at least in this case, it worked.  Failing to educate my children will be to fail them.  I'm not willing to fail my children.

When I was in high school, I went to a high school in Mississippi for my sophomore year.  Going to small school in the south from a school in the Chicago suburbs was like going from Chicago to Mars for me, it was just so different and clearly not anywhere the same as far as sex education.  Sex education was a part of our normal curriculum since 5th grade in Illinois.  I remember only one pregnant teen in high school my freshman, junior and senior year.  During my one year in Mississippi, which does not require sex ed in the schools, it was common, teens had babies at home, babies on the way or were planning to have babies.  One teen even told me that she got pregnant to show her mother how responsible she was.  I was totally lost, I couldn't wrap my head around this.  This culture went against everything I was ever taught or lived.  The best most schools that do offer sex education in Mississippi do normally is to teach abstinence-only programs, according to thinkprogress.org.  Abstinence-only programs are only as effective as teaching kids eating an apple will keep you from getting pregnant, they simply don't work.  Mississippi has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in the nation. New Mexico has no sex education requirements, they have the second highest teen pregnancy rate.  New Hampshire, on the other hand, requires comprehensive sex education in their schools that includes abstinence, condoms and contraception, according to thinkprogress.org and they have the lowest rate of teen pregnancy.  I don't think this is a coincidence.  Studies show that teens who have comprehensive sex ed in their schools are 60% less likely to get pregnant.

In the porn industry, we are very protective of our bodies, contracting an STD can mean the end of our shooting careers.  No one wants to get sick.  We are tested regularly and we don't have to work with anyone we might think is irresponsible in their personal lives.  Most performers I know are very careful in their personal lives.  We either use protection or are only with one partner.  Although most of us do bareback on camera, we are not advocating for unsafe sex.  With all the measures we can take to keep ourselves safe, condoms, monogamous personal relationships, testing, we can never eliminate the risk of disease or pregnancy, only minimize it.  I have never had and STD and I wasn't a teen mom, I credit that fact to my education and knowledge that started in the 5th grade.

Humans have been well aware of STD's for a very long time now.  according to today.com, condoms can be dated back to 1000 BC when Egyptian men used linen sheaths to protect against disease.  in the 1700's, animal intestines were referred to as "cobweb against infection".  In the 1800's, rubber became the popular material to make condoms out of and in the 1900's, we started using latex.  In the 1950's, we started widely marketing condoms.   Since then, we got even more creative and now we have condoms made of polyurethane, their thinner and stronger, and we have various shapes, sizes, colors and even flavors.  It's a beautiful thing.  We have known for a very long time how STD's are spread and pregnancy occurs.  STD's know no gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc.  To think that avoiding sex with a certain group of people is a safe way to keep us healthy is plain ignorant. 

It doesn't matter who you're having sex with, if we are not aware of the risks and are careless, we might as well play Russian Roulette.  If we don't educate our children, we are doing nothing short of putting the gun to their heads.  This isn't political or religious, it's human safety and health as well as biology and psychology.  It's better to make informed, educated decisions than to ignore this natural subject and watch our youth and ourselves get hurt.

God Bless!!

Reflections

Lately I've been struggling with some personal issues and through all this, my higher power and Buddhist beliefs and practices have helped me through and helped me to get through my struggles and grow into a stronger, healthier, happier and more spiritual person than before my struggles.  I'm not trying to tell people to believe or practice as I do, those are things that are personal from person to person and no one has the right to judge or put down the spiritual beliefs of another.  I've recently learned of a few things that were key to getting me through my struggles in a healthy, productive way.

Meditation has been a great coping mechanism for me.  I first learned how to do this from a psychologist I was seeing.  Her name was Diane.  I was looking for coping mechanisms for my anxiety disorder besides drugs.  I hate drugs.  This woman introduced me to meditation and other Buddhist practices and, as far as I'm concerned, gave me life tools that saved my soul as well as my ass.  I still meditate and will always continue to do so.  I connect with my higher power and the powers in the universe, my mind clears, I'm still and relaxed on the inside and I can cope with life much better.

Acceptance is necessary.  There's too many people judging others, putting them down, defining others by their mistakes or faults and allowing no redemption or the positive parts of them to shine through.  I accept someone for all they are, their faults and positive attributes without judgements.  To accept someone is not always to allow them in your life.  I doesn't even mean you have to like them. There have been times when it was necessary to remove someone from my life because they were toxic.  If someone is harmful to me in any way, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc, the responsible thing to do is to remove them from my life.  I can still accept that they are who they are and not put them down or hurt them.  Acceptance does not mean you agree with what someone does or who they are, it just means we realize the truth about them, accept them as they are then decide if they get the privilege of being a part of our personal world.

Personal responsibility is something that is getting harder and harder to find in this country.  I absolutely refuse to fall into the trap of not taking responsibility for myself, my kids, the life I've created.  I don't expect the government to bail me out when I screw up.  In fact, I don't want the government that involved in my life.  My life...the good, the bad, the ups and the downs, are all results of my actions, decisions and the Karma I've created for myself.  When I make a mistake and make a bad decision that creates bad Karma for myself or causes other negative things in my life, it's my job to take personal responsibility for myself by admitting to and correcting my mistake.  I have learned to diversify my source of income, it's dangerous these days to have one job or one source of income.  We all need multiple skills and ways to make money and take care of ourselves.  It's also my responsibility to spend them money I'm blessed with wisely.  I brought 2 people into this world.  It's not the government's job to make laws regulating how I raise them, what I teach them, etc.  That is all my responsibility.  I refuse to live an unhealthy lifestyle and end up sick or unable to be here for those who need me.  It's my responsibility to take the best care of myself I can so I can be here for my loved ones.  I can go on and on about things I need to be personally responsible for.  In a nutshell, I'm responsible for myself and my entire life.  Action is what I need to do every day.

Keeping an attitude of gratitude. is so necessary in this materialistic world.  It seems to common to define ourselves and allow others to define us on material things, income, or other ridiculous things.  I am grateful for what I have and I count my blessings every day.  I keep a gradated journal, it helps me to stay grounded and focused on what is really important in life.  The more I realize how blessed I am, the less I put my happiness in things I don't have.  I have come to realize that I'm one blessed human being.  I find myself smiling and singing while doing laundry or running errands.  When you really appreciate what you have, epically the little things, your psyche changes.  Gratitude is necessary for happiness to occur. 

For me, public service, helping others, giving even when I feel I don't have anything to give does something inside me that I can't explain.  I do a lot of my giving through the work I do in the sex worker world however, I do give outside of that world also.  I involve my children in helping also, outside of the sex worker world, of course.  Helping someone, even if it's just a conversation or passing along information, does wonders for my soul.  I know I was put on this earth to do what I do.  Doing what I authentically was made to do is a huge blessing.  My higher power made me to be a sex worker and fighter for sex worker rights as well has help (not enable) others.  I am grateful for the skills I have been given to do what I do.

These are a few things that have carried me through hard times.  They seem so simple but carry great powers when put them into place with the right intentions.  I haven't taken drugs for my anxiety in years, I don't need to.  Of course, it's more work to take care of myself than popping a pill is.  Hard work and dedication to myself and everything I believe in has a much greater pay off than any medication.  I'm still learning and growing.  I'm excited about my life and my future.  The little I know and put into practice has had profound and positive effects on my life, I have a lot to be excited about as I continue to learn and grow.

Happy 2013!!

Happy New Year!!  I'm really excited about moving into 2013, I know this year is going to be amazing.  As with all amazing things, what is going on inside me is where all good things start in my life; so my I have made my New Years Resolution one that will support all my goals.  My resolution is to grow through mindfulness, inner peace, love and acceptance.  I can't be my best at anything if I'm not at my best inside first.  I've been working on the mindfulness for a very long time now and I must say, it's been amazing going through the awakenings and changes that I've experienced so far.  Simply being mindful is a strong life skill.

Inner peace...something I haven't always had and never realized I didn't have until I had it.  This was a very unusual experience for me.  I've always been strong, driven, confident, smart.  I though I was everything I needed to be, most of the time.  Of course, we all have moments of insecurity, doubt, fear, etc.  For the most part, the good things far out weighed the bad and I thought I was just fine. The only thing that held me back was an anxiety disorder which I saw as a nascence most of the time.  After years of therapists, psychologists, medications, and no real results, I was blessed with one last psychologist.  This woman was amazing.  She was different.  I saw a light and spirit in her that I don't see in many people.  I opened up to her about all I am, all I do, all of me.  In return, this woman starting introducing me to different coping mechanisms different from any other I've experienced or known.  As we progressed, I realized the practices that worked best for me were rooted in Buddhism.  At that point, I started studying Buddhism and eventually became a Buddhist.  Not only did practicing Buddhism almost eliminate my anxiety, without drugs, but it opened my  mind, heart and spirit.  I realize I was missing a piece to the puzzle and didn't even know it.  I can now say I have true inner peace, the missing tool.  I have Buddhism and Diana, the psychologist I was blessed with by my higher power to thank.

When I say love, I'm talking about more than simply giving and receiving love to and from others.  I'm thinking on a deeper level.  How I treat people, my thoughts, my actions, I want love to be in all I do.  I realized that if you put a little love in what you do, big things happen.  I practiced treating people whom I find difficult, annoying and mean with love.  I have to admit that when I first put this into practice, it wasn't will my full heart and for selfish reasons only.  I was working on myself and only went through the motions while biting my tongue when attempting to deal with people with love.  It didn't take long to realize that I was getting positive results when I faking it.  I began to wonder, what if I did it for real?  What if I really put my heart and spirit into treating people with love?  I gave it a try, still not at 100%, and the results were more amazing.  I now put my heart and spirit in my interactions with my fellow humans.  The thing I don't do is always do it 100%, with my full heart and spirit.  My goal with love in to get closer to 100%, even with the difficult people that I have decided I don't care for.

I have found acceptance to be the easiest thing to do.  I learned a long time ago that if I accept people for all they are, I have less dislike for them.  I don't have to like them or agree with all they do, say feel, think, etc.  I just accept that they are who they are.  After I accept them in full, I can make a decision to keep them in my little world or peacefully remove them.  I have a clearer mind, I can make the decision to keep or remove them without regret, wonder or looking back.  The key to acceptance is to accept without bias.  If I don't accept anyone without bias, I can never be truly accepting of them.  Without accepting others as a whole, for all they all, I can never know them for all they all and make a good decision about keeping them in my world or removing them from it.  Part of removing someone is removing them without anger, resentment or any negative feelings for them, it's simply letting them go and moving on.  Forgiveness is a huge part of this.  I am very passionate about my advocacy work and helping anyone I can.  If I don't accept people for who they are, I can never fully benefit them, help them, give my all.  Acceptance without judgement is such a fulfilling thing and something that isn't always easy to do.

2013 is going to be a great year.  Most of all, I'm looking forward to growing inside so I can be better for those on the outside.  These are my resolutions, I have been working on them for a very long time however, I'm not where I want to be...yet.  That's why I chose them as my resolution.  Their working for me and can only make me better if I keep doing my part.

Have a happy, blessed and safe 2013!!