Reflections

Lately I've been struggling with some personal issues and through all this, my higher power and Buddhist beliefs and practices have helped me through and helped me to get through my struggles and grow into a stronger, healthier, happier and more spiritual person than before my struggles.  I'm not trying to tell people to believe or practice as I do, those are things that are personal from person to person and no one has the right to judge or put down the spiritual beliefs of another.  I've recently learned of a few things that were key to getting me through my struggles in a healthy, productive way.

Meditation has been a great coping mechanism for me.  I first learned how to do this from a psychologist I was seeing.  Her name was Diane.  I was looking for coping mechanisms for my anxiety disorder besides drugs.  I hate drugs.  This woman introduced me to meditation and other Buddhist practices and, as far as I'm concerned, gave me life tools that saved my soul as well as my ass.  I still meditate and will always continue to do so.  I connect with my higher power and the powers in the universe, my mind clears, I'm still and relaxed on the inside and I can cope with life much better.

Acceptance is necessary.  There's too many people judging others, putting them down, defining others by their mistakes or faults and allowing no redemption or the positive parts of them to shine through.  I accept someone for all they are, their faults and positive attributes without judgements.  To accept someone is not always to allow them in your life.  I doesn't even mean you have to like them. There have been times when it was necessary to remove someone from my life because they were toxic.  If someone is harmful to me in any way, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc, the responsible thing to do is to remove them from my life.  I can still accept that they are who they are and not put them down or hurt them.  Acceptance does not mean you agree with what someone does or who they are, it just means we realize the truth about them, accept them as they are then decide if they get the privilege of being a part of our personal world.

Personal responsibility is something that is getting harder and harder to find in this country.  I absolutely refuse to fall into the trap of not taking responsibility for myself, my kids, the life I've created.  I don't expect the government to bail me out when I screw up.  In fact, I don't want the government that involved in my life.  My life...the good, the bad, the ups and the downs, are all results of my actions, decisions and the Karma I've created for myself.  When I make a mistake and make a bad decision that creates bad Karma for myself or causes other negative things in my life, it's my job to take personal responsibility for myself by admitting to and correcting my mistake.  I have learned to diversify my source of income, it's dangerous these days to have one job or one source of income.  We all need multiple skills and ways to make money and take care of ourselves.  It's also my responsibility to spend them money I'm blessed with wisely.  I brought 2 people into this world.  It's not the government's job to make laws regulating how I raise them, what I teach them, etc.  That is all my responsibility.  I refuse to live an unhealthy lifestyle and end up sick or unable to be here for those who need me.  It's my responsibility to take the best care of myself I can so I can be here for my loved ones.  I can go on and on about things I need to be personally responsible for.  In a nutshell, I'm responsible for myself and my entire life.  Action is what I need to do every day.

Keeping an attitude of gratitude. is so necessary in this materialistic world.  It seems to common to define ourselves and allow others to define us on material things, income, or other ridiculous things.  I am grateful for what I have and I count my blessings every day.  I keep a gradated journal, it helps me to stay grounded and focused on what is really important in life.  The more I realize how blessed I am, the less I put my happiness in things I don't have.  I have come to realize that I'm one blessed human being.  I find myself smiling and singing while doing laundry or running errands.  When you really appreciate what you have, epically the little things, your psyche changes.  Gratitude is necessary for happiness to occur. 

For me, public service, helping others, giving even when I feel I don't have anything to give does something inside me that I can't explain.  I do a lot of my giving through the work I do in the sex worker world however, I do give outside of that world also.  I involve my children in helping also, outside of the sex worker world, of course.  Helping someone, even if it's just a conversation or passing along information, does wonders for my soul.  I know I was put on this earth to do what I do.  Doing what I authentically was made to do is a huge blessing.  My higher power made me to be a sex worker and fighter for sex worker rights as well has help (not enable) others.  I am grateful for the skills I have been given to do what I do.

These are a few things that have carried me through hard times.  They seem so simple but carry great powers when put them into place with the right intentions.  I haven't taken drugs for my anxiety in years, I don't need to.  Of course, it's more work to take care of myself than popping a pill is.  Hard work and dedication to myself and everything I believe in has a much greater pay off than any medication.  I'm still learning and growing.  I'm excited about my life and my future.  The little I know and put into practice has had profound and positive effects on my life, I have a lot to be excited about as I continue to learn and grow.