What defines me?

I love this question and the more I answer it, the more I get to know me and like me.  I realized through the past few years of asking myself and answering this question that I'm a very complex, multi-talented, intelligent and loyal person.  I wasn't expecting to find the things out about me that I did.  I also have realized that knowing what defines me gives me confidence, security in myself, strength and the ability to handle situations and people that could be more difficult.

Very often, others will define my whole person by one element of my life.  The fact that I'm a porn star comes with sterotypes that just don't fit me.  I very often get dick pictures e mailed to me with vulgar language.  I am a sensusal, sexual person however, random dick pictures with comments like "Do you like my cock?" and "I want to fuck you" do absolutely nothing for me.  Guys do this because I have done adult films and besides realizing that there is a human behind Becca Blossoms, they define me as someone that breathes, eats and sleeps fucking.  Another gentleman who I was chatting with on Yahoo while getting some work done on the computer asked me what I was doing.  I said "I'm working" and his response was "Your fucking right now?"  He obviously defines me as someone who only fucks for a living and doesn't realize that's one of the things I do.  I'm sexual, sensual, I love to perform, I love what I do.  Performing on film does not define me as a person, I use who I am deep down inside to help me to perform well.  If I were only defined by the fact I did adult films, I wouldn't have any fans, my work would be terrible and I wouldn't be so comfortable with what I do, proud of the films I have made and would be empty inside.

Another thing that I'm often defined by is the myth that all adult performers are on drugs, drink excessively and like to party all the time.  I often get offered drugs and get invited, when I'm out, to go out to someones car and do a few lines or pop some pills.  I have never done drugs except for smoking pot.  I'm a very light, social drinker and often don't drink when I go out.  I've always been a health nut so the whole party scene doesn't really appeal to me.  I'm offended when someone offers me drugs simply because they think I do them because I'm an adult entertainer.  Not all of us spend our time partying and messed up on something.  I'm not defined by the myths of being a porn star.

Some of the things that define me are:

Loyalty, I'm a very loyal person.  I have strong family values and I'm very loyal to my family and friends.  I'm also loyal to the sex workers that have confided in me and have became a part of SWOP-Wisconsin.  You will never find me stabbing anyone in the back, using them, being dishonest or turning my back on anyone I love. 

Integrity, how I conduct myself, allow myself to act and where I allow my head to go are all things that define me.  Of course, being human, we all make mistakes or allow our thoughts to wonder off where they shouldn't.  I try to catch myself when this happens.  I use my words, actions and thoughts to do the best I can to be the best person I can be.

Spirituality, I'm a very spiritual person, I have a relationship with my higher power that has grown and changed through time.  I feel a connection with the universe and with people.  I'm a practicing Buddhist and through Buddhism I have grown spiritually healthier, connected deeper with my higher power and my own soul and have been blessed with a peaceful, rewarding, loving life.  My feet remain on the ground.  No amount of money, success, who knows me or who I know can ever replace my spirit and soul.  They are things I work hard to keep healthy and grow, and they are never negotiable.

Hard Working, this is something that has been put in me since my childhood.  I come from the typical middle class, hard working, Midwestern family.  I have no problem getting up and going to work and doing my best.  It doesn't matter if I'm performing, directing, meeting a new producer, dong my web cam, running SWOP or volunteering with one of the many organizations I work with in my community.  It's very important that I work hard, give it my all and at the end of the day know that I did my best, I accomplished something.  I'm not afraid of a little dirt, solving problems, or being the only one working my butt off.  I don't believe in taking hand outs, when times get tough, I get creative and find ways to work more or make the work I'm doing work better for me.

Happiness, this is a choice, not something that happens to me.  I choose to be happy and work hard to stay that way.  I know that working out, having creative outlets, working hard, making good life choices, etc. all contribute to my happiness.  Happiness is the result of good life choices.  When I look back in my life and see periods of time where I wasn't happy, it's always due to life choices.  I'm not talking about things that happen that keep us from being happy such as a flat tire or the death of a loved one.  I'm talking about not feeling happiness and joy from deep within me.  When I'm not happy, I now I need to change a choice I have made.

Independent, this has worked for me and against me.  I'm a very independent person, my mother raised me to be.  She taught me to be strong, make life work for me, make good choices and to fight for what I believe in, what I want to who I am.  This has worked against me at times.  I have to remind myself about little things such as letting the gentleman pick up the tab while on a date or asking for  help when I could use it.  I have gotten better, although it still feels a little weird when a date pays for everything. 

I cold go on and on about what defines me.  I have discovered each thing one at a time and I'm still getting to know me.  The things that don't define me are:

The tag on my clothes, I've never been one that was into wearing designer names or carrying a Gucci bag.  This just isn't me and I contribute that again to my middle class Midwestern upbringing.  I love cute clothes and shoes and I don't like cheap, poorly made anything. However, I will never spend thousands of dollars on anything article of clothing or bag, it's just  not necessary.  I look good in what I buy and no matter what I decide to wear or carry, it doesn't define me, it only says I like cute clothes :)

My house and car, these are 2 things that are often looked at as status symbols in our society.  I like a nice, clean house with a big yard.  I have cute little ranch house in a suburb that is about 50 years old.  My neighbors are great, I love living here.  My house is cute, clean, well taken care of and most of all, it's home for me and my kids.  The only part of this that defines me is the loving home I have created for my kids.  I fill my house with love and so do my children.  The value of my house isn't important.  I can provide the same loving home environment for my kids in a 2-bedroom apartment and, in fact, I have.  The same goes for my vehicle.  I have a little convertible I drive in the summer, I bought it used.  It's a cute little car, when I was looking, I wanted a convertible for the summer because I though it would be nice to drive one in the summer since I love being outside.  Although driving my little car is something I like to do, it doesn't define me.  The value isn't important, the enjoyment I get out of it is.  Enjoyment is good for my psyche and spirit.

My income, I never share what I make with anyone because it has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of person I am and doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else.  I know how to work hard, pay my bills and provide for my family; anyone that knows me knows that I do these things well.  What is in my bank account or the value of my assets are just numbers, nothing more.


What others say about me, in a nutshell, other people don't have the power to define me.  Negative things have been said about me and the best way I find to deal with it is to ignore it.  I don't have to associate with people who see me negatively.  Their entitled to their opinion and I have no desire to try to change it or stop them from saying negative things.  I'm confident enough in myself that I know it doesn't matter.  I have a strong enough personality to let it roll off my shoulders and keep my mind on the positive things in life, there is so much more positive than negative.

I could go on and on about what does or doesn't define me.  I'm still getting to know me and so far I like what I know so far.  Answering the question "What defines me?" isn't easy or able to be answered in 30 seconds.  It's one question that I have been answering for many years now and I will always continue to answer.